Actively choosing happy isn’t always easy. In fact, a lot of the time, I struggle with it. Most recently, with the surge of suicides in the news, my head has been full of bad thoughts and my depression has been at an all-time high. I’ve been super busy working– with the help of my literally Godsend fiancée– on making our new house a home. Lots of running around, carrying heavy things and stressful moments, but the place is looking amazing. I think I’m more influenced by my surroundings than I like to think.
I tend to stay away from the news. That may be ignorant on my end, but after years of not protecting myself and having no boundaries, it’s the best thing for me. Recently, I’ve been writing tons more than I’m used to and not filling myself up in any particular way. I’m running on empty and it feels gross. This weekend, I was more careful. I wrote only when I wanted to, took a full day off from art of any kind, and spoke my feelings out loud to my partner (which she’ll confirm alongside my therapists is not my strong suit). I also finally got a new therapist. I lost mine, after five years of weekly sessions, quite suddenly. I’ve struggled to find someone in-person who I vibe with, so I tried Talkspace. We haven’t talked much, but I do like that I can check in with her throughout the week regularly and write out how I feel as opposed to speaking it, which tends to be easier for me.
I took a nice evening drive with my honey last night, and today I’ve really tried to concentrate on all the beautiful aspects of my life: the ease of running errands, going to the library for a book (read: free books!!!), and making sure to just enjoy the smaller moments. I took a photo of a church near my apartment covered in rainbow flags and realized how lucky I am that I can be out and proud in the city I live in.
Boston has formed me in so many ways, and the strength of the city reminds me that even when we lost a lot, we can keep going. I’m 14 days sober today. I wasn’t going to count, but I realized it’s a way to stay accountable. I downloaded an app called Habits (its not specifically for sobriety counting) and ever day you can click the date and the box fills in. I love checklists, and this feels kind of like one.
I’m just trying to do what works for me. Instagram has been a huge help and support, as has writing and the community I’m making right here. I’m learning that perfection will never be attainable for me and all I can really do is my best.
And sometimes… that looks like not much. It’s still enough.
I’m trying to express myself in the clothes I wear and making a conscious effort to buy secondhand if not handmade. I love the stories that go into what I put on my body. I like putting effort into what I wear during the day, because it makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something. I’m actually OK. I’m working hard to keep my thoughts in the here and now and away from the entrance to the deep dark depression hole. It takes a lot of effort, but I think it’s worth it to enjoy days like today, to really enjoy my life. I’m feeling optimistic and that feels A-OK in my book.