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The Price of Being Me

woman holding a smiley balloon
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As I was tearing price-tags off my new workout clothes yesterday, I had a thought that had less to do with a dollar sign and more to do with my value. I work really hard everyday to be me, because I feel like it’s so much easier to be just about anyone else. I see someone and I admire what they are wearing and I feel like not in a million years could that be me. Or, I think I’m looking good and I pass my reflection, only to feel devastated. Am I really that big? You can see every lump in this top? Why did I even go out? I feel like, especially in this day and age, we should be our biggest advocates, but most often we’re our biggest enemies. I have a much easier time berating myself for not doing something, than celebrating all the things I did do (even if one of them is shower). I had a falling out with a good friend several months ago and she said something to the degree of, I know how much you’re going to beat yourself up about this. I don’t think she meant it in any kind of way other than, I’m very good about being unkind to myself especially when I feel like something bad happening is my fault in the first place.

Every time, I want to step aside from writing, put in on the back burner, pick up another hobby, or lifeline, something draws me back in. Writing is our I advocate for myself. More often than not, I don’t know what’s going to come out on the page (kind of like I never know exactly what I’m going to say…a habit I could work on). I always felt, well, weird that my writing felt more like self-help writing than any beautiful, magical nonfiction I picked-up in the memoir section of the bookstore. I’m trying to get more humble, feel more gratitude for the writing I do, and view my words as just as legitimate and useful. I love self-help books and I try not to fixate on the hippy-dippy feeling some people get from seeing them (I mean I have mandalas and bright pink flowers on my yoga pants, who am I kidding).

Something, I’m already seeing in the coaching world is this feeling of there not being ENOUGH. There aren’t enough people to help, enough time to do it, so let’s just give up before we start. And, I think that’s really flawed. I think it’s easy to play into and like anything you’re not hugely successful at right away (like, everything) it’s easier to quit than struggle.

My life has been a beautiful unfolding in ways I usually forget to take note of.  I’m so concentrated on my failures or any misstep that I completely ignore the beautiful and magical tapestry I’m painting with every interaction, moment, word, etc. I’m currently reading You Are A Badass by Jen Sincero which has many gems, but one quote has stuck out more than the rest thus far:

It never ceases to amaze me the precious time we spend chasing the squirrels around our brains, playing out our dramas, worrying about unwanted facial hair, seeking adoration, justifying our actions, complaining about slow Internet connections, dissecting the lives of idiots, when we are sitting in the middle of a full-blown miracle that is happening right here, right now.
We’re on a planet that somehow knows how to rotate on its axis and follow a defined path while it hurdles through space! Our hearts beat! We can see! We have love, laughter, language, living rooms, computers, compassion, cars, fire, fingernails, flowers, music, medicine, mountains, muffins!

I think the truly amazing things about those words is that I’ve seen them before! But, when I read them two days ago I put my book down and laughed (really) out loud. Oh, I thought. Right. This is life, I am lucky. It’s that simple. A million missteps had to happen to put you into right now: a perfectly imperfect sticky magical wondrous moment of a day full of them. Why then is my primary inclination to ignore all that and hold on tight to my self-doubt like a balloon in a thunderstorm?

I want to be a success and I want to watch myself and everyone else in my life do what they want with pride, listening more to their heart, than to the mocking voice inside their head. Today, I’m going to embrace this change in my mindset, remember that I have a high-value and that value is determined by myself, and know that whatever I’m putting into the universe will come right back to me.

 

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