Yesterday, I did something I didn’t think I would do. I went to an AA meeting. I had sworn them off this time around. I don’t like AA and I’ve had many weird and uncomfortable experiences in the rooms. But, yesterday I was met with kindness. I was met with love. I was okay.
I posted about this experience last night on Instagram and also received a lot of love. Is it possible that I have not been as vulnerable as I think I am being on here? Do I reveal more after I do things that scare me than I ever do when writing about them at a distance? Perhaps, that’s obvious to you. But, I’m just now realizing the truth about kindness and the truth about kindness is this: we so often lack self-love. We would never treat others how we treat ourselves.
We build ourselves up and oftentimes tear ourselves down so quickly or let something like social media dictate how we contribute to the world online and how we spend our time in real life. I am done not showing up for myself in as many ways as I can and if that means putting myself in a rickety chair for 60 minutes, so be it. I need relief more than I need comfort. And I’m not going to drink. And so, thus, discomfort.
Also, it is okay to change your mind. There is no shame in the accumulation of my thoughts and feelings even when (especially when) they differ on any given day. This blog is a place for me to write about the day, not to predict the future. And thus, is my life as a writer. I am to examine myself daily, think about things deeply (when I can), but try to withhold judgement. I find that the world will do that enough. What if I just surround myself with kindness?
The sky is blue, my work is done, and there’s a book of short stories in front of me. I’ll see friends and family later, both of whom don’t care what choices I make in terms of my drinking, as long as I do the next right thing to take care of myself.
Be honest with yourself.
We are not here for long.